I'M A HOT MESS!

25 days till the big Wedding Day shenanigans!  There's so much going on the next couple weeks, my head is spinning but it is all great stuff.  Last week I freaked out a little bit.  I was SOOOOO emotional and I am not the type of person who cries.  But lately, I've really been losing it.  Everything I do makes me cry lately.  It's weird because honestly, I couldn't be happier.  I'm getting married, a few of my close friends are getting married, I'm leaving a job that disappoints me all the time for one that gives me room to grow, I'm moving across the world...and I'm freaking out!  All of these things are really happy, great changes.  Why is my body responding with tears?  It's the absolute worst way for my body to react.  You see, when I cry, I get these red blotches all over my cheeks, my eyes swell up, and it's really quite ugly.  My skin is so sensitive I'm allergic to my own tears...wtf!  

This past weekend I went up to visit a friend who is getting married in September.  It was her wedding shower weekend and I'm a bridesmaid.  She had a Jack & Jill shower on Lake Champlain and it was gorgeous out all weekend!  It was so nice to see her and her fiance open all their presents, and meet family and friends from different parts of their lives.  She wore this white dress that looked absolutely stunning on her that when I saw her, I started to cry as we hugged.  We are friends from college, old sorority sisters only she joined after me so it was like seeing a little sister in a wedding dress only it wasn't her wedding dress or even her wedding yet.  I am going to be a hot mess at her wedding!!!  She can look to me if she needs the tissues because I'll be sure to stuff a bunch in my cleavage.  Where else can you put stuff like that at a wedding?  

This coming weekend a really close friend of mine is tying the knot too.  She's moving out to California with her prince charming.  I'm a little worried about her because the time difference is so crazy between California and Abu Dhabi.  I guess I'll have to make an exception to my "No calls after 9pm" rule just for her.  I'm not worried about crying at her wedding.  She's Portuguese and has a very tight knit family that's totally ok with crying.  I'm sure that my eyes welling up at her wedding will be less noticeable.  Words cannot express how happy I am that's she's going to move and start her own family.  She has been such an amazing friend and so supportive of me while we have both been going through some similar big life changing things.  Oh boy, forget here comes the bride...here come the tears.  

Last week I was so worried about this crying thing that I took a pregnancy test just to make sure I wasn't preggers because I've been so emo...it's a negative by the way.  I'm the type of person that whenever something is wrong with me my immediate reaction is "holy shit, I must be pregnant" even though I have never been and I am proven paranoid every time I take the test.  If I have a headache, I'm pregnant; cramps, must be pregnant; I'm emotional, must be pregnant; got dizzy going up the stairs, pregnant-you get the idea.  But I am definitely not pregnant nor am I trying to be any time soon. 

I think it's just all this crazy wedding stuff going on.  All this good stuff at once is just making me a sopping mess.  I guess it's good for me to get more in touch with my emotions but it's definitely outside my comfort zone.  

This weekend I also took my blood pressure, before my coffee and after I had already taken my beta blocker the doctor prescribed a couple years ago.  I've had it under control for a while now but holy crap the diastolic number was WAAAAAY out of whack.  I need to try to manage my stress better.  

I met with my thesis adviser this morning and talked with her about things.  It is so nice talking to her and getting her advice around academics and life.  She basically told me that I was crazy to think I could get a thesis done with all these other things going on right now.  She wants me to take another year to finish my thesis.  While that sounds nice, against her advice I'm just going to push it back another term and maybe two if I have to.  I talked with her about how disappointed I was with myself for not being able to get it done or concentrate.  She basically told me she thinks that I'm a super hero for getting as much of it done with all I have going on, said we could skype to get it done, AND is willing to meet with me out in Abu Dhabi.  She thought I should be proud of myself for all I've been getting done lately.  Basically, I love her-I have the best thesis adviser in the world.  

I feel kind of like I'm not just letting myself down but that my family will be disappointed in me as well if I don't get it done asap because if I don't get it done soon it may never get done.  But the truth is, something has to go especially with my blood pressure going wild.  This is something I'm not giving up on, I'm determined to finish.  One thing I know about myself is that when I set out to do something, I do it!  I guess I just have to have more faith in myself and hope that my family does too, I know they do.  I'm shooting for fall term 2010 or winter 2011 now but we'll see how that goes.  Even while meeting with her and talking about the thesis I started to cry but I realized it had nothing to do with the disappointment of not finishing by the end of the summer.  I was so moved by all the nice things she had to say about me I just didn't know what to do with myself.

I think I've been crying because I have so many people in my life who move me, who believe in me and who I care so much about.  I am truly lucky to be surrounded by so many supportive and loving people even if it makes me a hot mess.  I anticipate more crying for at least the next month.  Watch out Hanover, by July 31, you'll be under water!  You better be investing in some swimmies!