Sunrise over the turquis mountains messenger birds in sight...

So it's been a while since I've last blogged but I have some good excuses.  As it turns out, getting married and moving to a foreign country is a very time consuming process.  I have stuff to say about the wedding and honeymoon but I want to be really thoughtful and take my time reflecting on all that jazz.  In an effort to continue writing and to move forward I'm going to save the wedding and honeymoon stuff for later.

I believe in signs, not like bad Mel Gibson movie alien signs but like life trying to help direct me kind of signs.  I'm not really religious but I am spiritual and I do believe in something.  I just don't know how to describe what I believe and I don't feel that what I believe fits in any one religious institution.  This is not an invitation for people to try to convert me.  Sometimes my signs are spiritual and sometimes they make no sense at all.  Sometimes the signs are there because I'm really trying to find them too.  Anyway, I'm writing about signs because the last few weeks I've had a ton of them.  But in particular, I have had some signs about the move and it being the right decision.  Here goes...

I live in the wilderness.  Seriously, it's a dirt road off a dirt road kind of place.  We get bear warnings over e-mail, no joke.  I like the wilderness but my idea of enjoying the outdoors growing up was going to a camp site and plugging the pop-up camper in.  I feel like I could live anywhere.  I mean if I can survive living in a sorority house for a couple years of college, I can definitely live anywhere.  I like where I live, it's really pretty-when you're not alone.  I am so scared to go outside after sundown.  There are so many animals out there that can be vicious, even the cute ones.  The animals where I live have been giving me little signs that it's time to go.

About a week ago I saw two of the fox that live in my neighborhood.  They're around all the time, there's a whole family of them.  They are so cute.  A long time ago I was scared of fox because I thought they were like wolves which are like bears which can eat you.  But then I watched that "Grizzly Man" movie about the guy that lived with bears in Alaska and then got eaten.  Yeah, that didn't help my perspective on the bears.  BUT he had this whole little family of fox that used to mess with him and I realized they were like cats with fluffy tails.  I love the cute little foxes in the neighborhood.  Back to the sign, I went to pick Brian up at work, it's really late at night and I'm driving.  The two fox are strolling down the side of the road like they were strutting their stuff.  When I looked closer there was this cute bunny rabbit dangling from one of their mouths.  EWE!  I now have mixed feelings about the fox.  That fox transformation from cute, fluffy tail, snuggly looking animal to vicious, bunny eating, carniverous animal tells me that the fox are trying to tell me...things here are not always as they seem.

Shortly after that, Brian and I were driving back home from somewhere and right on our road we saw a bear cub.  It was adorable BUT where there is a cub, there is an angry, very large, lots of flesh ripping teeth mama bear close by.  This was in the day time too.  Everytime I go out to walk the dogs now any little branch snapping or ruffling in the woods must be a mama bear and the dogs and I have to hurry inside.  The bears are telling me it's time to head out.

Recently, Brian and I have had a little bit of a mouse problem in the house.  These fuckers are the smartest of all these crazy animals.  I bought the most brutal of traps so that if there's more then one they will see their dead little friend and get out of my house!  But these mice are like MacGyver mice.  They don't just eat all the peanut butter off the trap, they lick it clean!  The mice are making us put all chips, cereal, dog food...ANYTHING edible now goes in our refridgerator.  They've eaten through two tupperware bins for the dog's food.  They are crazy, crazy mice.  I am not afraid to admit defeat and retreat to Abu Dhabi.

All these animal interactions are telling me it's time to move on.  There's something comforting about the sounds of a city.  I feel extra safe when I can hear the buses, the sirens, the extra loud neighbors. 
A couple of sayings to ponder:

"Does a bear shit in the woods?" and

"If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, does it make a sound?" 

Out here, if a bear shits in the woods I'm sure no one hears it.  Just as if I scream at the top of my lungs because a bear is mauling me, no one would hear it.  But it happens just ask the Grizzly Man-oh wait, you can't.    

Crossroads seem to come and go...

It's crazy how much life changes in a few years.  A recent graduate from the school I currently work for wrote me about life after college and the challenge of work/play balance.  I love working with college students.  They have a funny way of forcing you to reflect, through needing your mentorship and it's great.  So I start to write her back and it really made me realize how much has changed in the five years since I graduated from undergrad.  I started writing her and blabbering in my usual way via e-mail hoping she wasn't thinking I was being condescending.  I always hated that feeling I'd get when people a few years older then me would give me advice like they knew everything.  Come to think of it, I still hate that.  I try to be very aware of it and careful with my words especially when it's a young person I care a lot about. 

She asked me about my friend M's wedding this past weekend which was was absolutely beautiful!  I told her how happy I am for her but so heartbroken we are moving so far from each other.  There were so many moments where I'd look over at Brian and he'd be looking at me and we would both get a little teary eyed.  

Then I got to the blabbering on about my experience post college in short...here goes:

*start e-mail*
Hearing from you reminds me of what I was doing just after college...moving in with Mr. Wrong; building my life around him and his friends and consistently being let down.  It actually was a really good time in my life, although it didn't feel like it at the time.  It felt very lonely after we broke up and I was forced to figure out who the real, adult me would be.  The post-college world can be extremely lonely without all your friends at arms reach.  Here's my advice to you, find comfort in being alone.  Figure out what you like to do for you by yourself with no influence from friends or family.  It's good to know what that is before you meet Mr. Right or really start to get settled into life.  

Finding that thing is the hardest part of the whole process.  For me, I sat alone in my apartment A LOT, I watched every single thing I ever wanted to watch on netflicks including every season of Law and Order SVU.  I survived on chef boyardi and ramen and finally I got bored enough to force myself into finding a solution.  I took up photography again but that didn't seem to do it.  I took a quilting class in which I was the youngest person in there by at least 50 years!  I made questionable decisions and then I would beat myself up about it the next day.  I made friends with people my age only to find out they were judgemental bad friends and we had nothing in common.  I struck out a whole lot.  

Then I found reading again.  I had forgotten how much I loved getting lost in a book.  I started journaling sometimes and realized I had A LOT to say about everything I was going through.  I found a friendship in my oldest sister that I never knew we could have.  

It was all really hard but I am so greatful I found some things that I like to do for me, things that make just me happy.  I let my friendship with my sister grow.  I had the one friend I could trust with all of the crazy things I was doing and questionable decisions I was making...like continuing to hang out with my ex knowing it would break my heart.  Good God, I made mistakes!  But eventually, after being comfortable with being alone-I felt less lonely when I was alone.  I realized I actually enjoyed my own company and doing things for myself.  I got a little selfish with my me-time.  In the end, it made me all the more ready for whatever is ahead.  It made me ok with a little bit of compromise and sacrifice and ready to start my life with someone else and maybe bring a few other little people in the mix later on.  

The beginning is crazy, but embrace it.  Embrace being alone because once all the sharing of things in life start, it won't stop and you have to give more and more...and ahhhh, babies can wait.  LOL, sorry that's my own shit.  Know that I am here for you sister whenever you need!  As far as a balance between work and play-everyone struggles with that after college I think.  Maybe a good philosophy is to have fun, but think to yourself when you're out-what would you do if your boss saw you right at that moment.  That's a good reality check for me anyway-I still use that one from time to time.  BUT, also allow yourself to get a little crazy once and a while.  I hope all that babbling on helps! 
*the end of the e-mail*


I think I did ok, not too condescending anyway.  But this e-mail connected to seeing M get married this weekend really made me realize some things.  Life is crazy how fast it goes.  What a long strange trip it's been.  Moments come and go but some of the memories, they stick around.  It's really incredible to think how much has changed in a few years.  I am so ready for the next big step, the next start and new challenge.  I love life and all it's little adventures.  Bring it on!  I want to experience it all.  Every moment, the good, bad and the ugly.  I know the good days will bring warmth to the tough days and the bad days will help me grow...someone remind me of all this when I'm complaining about shit again-will ya? 

...The gypsy flies from coast to coast.  But back home she'll always run.

The Dog House

I love my dogs.  They really are both very sweet and seriously cute.  I have a dachshund that I've had for several years now and a red bonehound mix.  The hound mix is similar to the "Where the Red Fern Grows" dogs, cue sappy music-probably the saddest story I was ever required to read in school-spoiler alert both of the dogs die.  Sasha, the bonehound is our newest dog and she's training and adjusting quite well mostly because she will do ANYTHING for food.  Both of our dogs are rescue dogs.  Oscar was pretty badly abused and hates most men which is a big part of why I got him in the first place.  

When I first moved to New Hampshire, life was pretty hard.  There's not much of a night life up here for someone in their early twenties and it's really hard to meet people when you're new to the area.  I was going through a breakup after being here for a year and all my friends I had established were my ex's lifelong childhood friends which made the breakup that much more difficult.  I wasn't just breaking up with my ex, I was breaking up with all of our friends it seemed.  On top of that, we had a dog together.  Lou Dog Beagle was a beagle mix frat dog that was truly a dudes dog.  Even though I often was the one walking him, he loved being with my ex.  I knew I couldn't take him with me when I moved out.  

So I called around to local shelters looking for small dogs because I knew I'd be living in a small apartment and I didn't think it would be fair to have a big dog in a small space.  I called Lucy Mackenzie Shelter in Brownsville, VT and they had the perfect match.  The lady on the phone outlined all of Oscar's adorable traits and I was sold...little did she know, it wouldn't have taken much to sell me on any animal at that point.  After all the good stuff, she said, "There's one more thing...Oscar doesn't like men."  I said, "PERFECT!  I'LL TAKE HIM!"  She elaborated, "Oscar doesn't just not-like-men, he hates them, he bites them."  I said, "EVEN BETTER."  I went to the shelter to fill out the application and walk Oscar to see if it would be a good fit.  On the walk, he was very dutiful, sniffing out all the other animals and tugging right along.  I was amazed at how fast such a little long dog could be.  I couldn't take him home with me that day because the shelter had to check my references.  But when I went to say goodbye that's when it happened, that is really when my little wienie man stole my heart.  I undid his leash and started to stand back up when he jumped up and kissed me.  

We've had Sasha for about 6 months now.  It was nice to get a dog with someone who was just as excited about it as me.  It was fun to pick her out together.  We went to the same shelter I got Oscar.  They had a new location that was this giant, gorgeous farm.  Sasha had been living with two dachshunds but their owner had passed away.  She was sweet and VERY energetic.  She definitely was loved, perhaps a little over-loved judging by her weight problem but she was absolutely adorable.  We visited a few times because we didn't want to bring Oscar until we knew we were interested.  When Oscar came both Brian and I were on high alert to everything hoping it went well and that Oscar wouldn't get anxious.  I'm fairly certain we were way more nervous than he was.  He just went over to the cat room that was all windows and chased a little kitten back and forth (there was glass separating them, he likes cats).  Brian and I walked Sasha and Oscar together and both of them were completely uninterested in each other.  But when we took them inside Sasha was kind of excited and Oscar wanted nothing to do with her.  Sasha, being fat, tired and happy then literally flopped over and that's when Oscar went over to sniff her.  After the sniff they became fast friends-you would think that butt sniffing would have offended her but she is all hound and I think she understood.

Yesterday my dogs made it on my shit list for a number of reasons.  Below are my reasons posted in chronological order.

1. I take them outside before I go to the gym and what do they do...putz around and eat grass even though I yell at them not to.

2. I get inside to let them off the leash and Oscar pukes up all the grass he just ate.  Sick!

3. I come back from the gym and find out Sasha peed downstairs on the rug after I tried to get her to go earlier...little bitch!

4. I come home from work to find garbage all over the place.  They opened the kitchen door under the sink where we keep the trash, pulled it out and ravaged it all over both the kitchen and living room!!!

5. I try to be patient and nice about the garbage fiasco, take a deep breath, put on the party music channel and go to open the door to the deck.  Out from hiding comes Sasha barreling into the screen door knocking it completely off track.

6. While rushing past me, Sasha used my foot to push off for her leap through the screen and successfully broke my newest pair of sandals that were also my wedding shoes!  UGHHHH!!!!  My dress has already been fitted to those shoes too!

7. The trash that they pulled out was VERY full, and had at least 5 coffee pots worth of grinds and filters which is SUCH a pain to pick up.

8. As I was crying and picking up the trash I discover Oscar's little "present" he left me in the pile of trash in the living room.  And in case "present" isn't obvious, all that trash Oscar ate made him go number 2...what a treat after a long day of work.

To top it off, something that wasn't their fault but still added to my frustration.  We found two dead rodents in their food bag that was fairly new and full.  We had to throw both bags out (they each eat different food).  After work, pre-dumpster diving dogs, I had to get new food and a tupperware bin to seal it in.  Going to Walmart in the Upper Valley is no easy feat at 5pm.  There's one road that everyone and their cousin is on at that time of day and that's the one to Walmart.  There's construction all over that area and people drive horribly through it all the time.  It was a mad house everywhere that day and then I come home to the trash fiasco/broken wedding shoes.  Funny enough, I can be patient about the trash, but you don't mess with my shoes.

I'm buying new shoes today damnet, and they better be as cute if not cuter then the first pair!

I'M A HOT MESS!

25 days till the big Wedding Day shenanigans!  There's so much going on the next couple weeks, my head is spinning but it is all great stuff.  Last week I freaked out a little bit.  I was SOOOOO emotional and I am not the type of person who cries.  But lately, I've really been losing it.  Everything I do makes me cry lately.  It's weird because honestly, I couldn't be happier.  I'm getting married, a few of my close friends are getting married, I'm leaving a job that disappoints me all the time for one that gives me room to grow, I'm moving across the world...and I'm freaking out!  All of these things are really happy, great changes.  Why is my body responding with tears?  It's the absolute worst way for my body to react.  You see, when I cry, I get these red blotches all over my cheeks, my eyes swell up, and it's really quite ugly.  My skin is so sensitive I'm allergic to my own tears...wtf!  

This past weekend I went up to visit a friend who is getting married in September.  It was her wedding shower weekend and I'm a bridesmaid.  She had a Jack & Jill shower on Lake Champlain and it was gorgeous out all weekend!  It was so nice to see her and her fiance open all their presents, and meet family and friends from different parts of their lives.  She wore this white dress that looked absolutely stunning on her that when I saw her, I started to cry as we hugged.  We are friends from college, old sorority sisters only she joined after me so it was like seeing a little sister in a wedding dress only it wasn't her wedding dress or even her wedding yet.  I am going to be a hot mess at her wedding!!!  She can look to me if she needs the tissues because I'll be sure to stuff a bunch in my cleavage.  Where else can you put stuff like that at a wedding?  

This coming weekend a really close friend of mine is tying the knot too.  She's moving out to California with her prince charming.  I'm a little worried about her because the time difference is so crazy between California and Abu Dhabi.  I guess I'll have to make an exception to my "No calls after 9pm" rule just for her.  I'm not worried about crying at her wedding.  She's Portuguese and has a very tight knit family that's totally ok with crying.  I'm sure that my eyes welling up at her wedding will be less noticeable.  Words cannot express how happy I am that's she's going to move and start her own family.  She has been such an amazing friend and so supportive of me while we have both been going through some similar big life changing things.  Oh boy, forget here comes the bride...here come the tears.  

Last week I was so worried about this crying thing that I took a pregnancy test just to make sure I wasn't preggers because I've been so emo...it's a negative by the way.  I'm the type of person that whenever something is wrong with me my immediate reaction is "holy shit, I must be pregnant" even though I have never been and I am proven paranoid every time I take the test.  If I have a headache, I'm pregnant; cramps, must be pregnant; I'm emotional, must be pregnant; got dizzy going up the stairs, pregnant-you get the idea.  But I am definitely not pregnant nor am I trying to be any time soon. 

I think it's just all this crazy wedding stuff going on.  All this good stuff at once is just making me a sopping mess.  I guess it's good for me to get more in touch with my emotions but it's definitely outside my comfort zone.  

This weekend I also took my blood pressure, before my coffee and after I had already taken my beta blocker the doctor prescribed a couple years ago.  I've had it under control for a while now but holy crap the diastolic number was WAAAAAY out of whack.  I need to try to manage my stress better.  

I met with my thesis adviser this morning and talked with her about things.  It is so nice talking to her and getting her advice around academics and life.  She basically told me that I was crazy to think I could get a thesis done with all these other things going on right now.  She wants me to take another year to finish my thesis.  While that sounds nice, against her advice I'm just going to push it back another term and maybe two if I have to.  I talked with her about how disappointed I was with myself for not being able to get it done or concentrate.  She basically told me she thinks that I'm a super hero for getting as much of it done with all I have going on, said we could skype to get it done, AND is willing to meet with me out in Abu Dhabi.  She thought I should be proud of myself for all I've been getting done lately.  Basically, I love her-I have the best thesis adviser in the world.  

I feel kind of like I'm not just letting myself down but that my family will be disappointed in me as well if I don't get it done asap because if I don't get it done soon it may never get done.  But the truth is, something has to go especially with my blood pressure going wild.  This is something I'm not giving up on, I'm determined to finish.  One thing I know about myself is that when I set out to do something, I do it!  I guess I just have to have more faith in myself and hope that my family does too, I know they do.  I'm shooting for fall term 2010 or winter 2011 now but we'll see how that goes.  Even while meeting with her and talking about the thesis I started to cry but I realized it had nothing to do with the disappointment of not finishing by the end of the summer.  I was so moved by all the nice things she had to say about me I just didn't know what to do with myself.

I think I've been crying because I have so many people in my life who move me, who believe in me and who I care so much about.  I am truly lucky to be surrounded by so many supportive and loving people even if it makes me a hot mess.  I anticipate more crying for at least the next month.  Watch out Hanover, by July 31, you'll be under water!  You better be investing in some swimmies!    




         

A Brief Introduction

Last year I went overseas for the first time...it was awesome.  I went from Barcelona, to England, and then to Ireland.  I was fortunate enough to have a friend who's family owns a home in Barcelona but it was rented out while I was there so I crashed on a mattress in the garage.  My roommate was an old beat up washing machine name "sputnik"-best roommate I ever had (jk, I'll post a pic of Sputnik later).  The England visit was what brought me out there, I was studying at Oxford.  But as for Ireland it was just where I was flying out of so I took a couple days to explore where my family was from.  All of this, I wanted to do by myself.  I saw it as a right of passage.  So many people warn women about all the things they need to be careful of, especially when traveling.  They are all crap.  

I found very friendly people everywhere I went and it was a remarkable trip.  Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying be completely carefree and have fun all by yourself with no worries.  But traveling as a woman alone should be no different then walking around your hometown alone.  It's important for anyone who's alone anywhere regardless of gender to be aware of your surroundings, and don't get wasted.  I feel like the first suggestion is pretty obvious and the second may be a little crass but honestly it's quite simple and true.  People anywhere will try to take advantage of a person whose had too much to drink, maybe not every drunk night but really when you're alone-it's not worth taking the risk. 

While at Oxford I had this great professor, Dr. Nock...we called him DocNock after the Spiderman character, DocOc-so cheesy but awesome.  After class he would buy everyone a pint in the Undercroft campus bar to continue the conversation because as he said "progress is measured in pints"-a saying he stole from an English brewing company.  The pub scene, I found while traveling was far less about getting drunk and more about having a pint or two over some good conversation.  This is a gem.  How did America lose this important aspect of pubs?  There are too few pubs here in the states that have that feel of just going to a pub to enjoy some good conversation over a cold pint.  I digress but I really loved this about Oxford.

DocNock and I got to talking about my travels and me keeping a journal of everything.  He suggested that I write a book and title it something to the effect of Jackie Kerouac Conquers the World, we got a good laugh out of that.  So here's to DocNock and my feminist traveling alter ego Jackie Kerouac...

I am horrible at keeping in touch with people.  I feel like there are so many people in my life that have helped me and who mean so much to me that I have to find a way to be better at staying in touch.  This is a way for people to stay updated on my life, hopefully I continue writing and people enjoy reading what I have to say.  I'm going to try to keep this informal too.  The grammar may not be perfect but I feel it's more important to write then to worry about proper grammar.  

Finally, one thing I found while traveling alone was that I would often think of people either close to me or old friends.  Like when I saw Gaudí's Casa Milà I was reminded of my old sorority sisters.  The building was inspired by the ocean and mimics waves, my sorority's symbol was the anchor.  Little things like that came up all the time.  They made me smile very warmly and wish that those people were there with me in the moment.  One afternoon, I was sitting in Park Güell drinking a sangría looking out over Barcelona (this was one of my favorite things to do in Barcelona) there was a wedding and all I could think of was my then boyfriend Brian.  You get the idea.  Well, Brian and I are getting married so now I have someone to share most of my travels with.  

My life and it's memories feel like a quilt.  All the individual memories have their own uniqueness like the various fabrics that make up a quilt.  The thread that binds all the fabric is love...love of life.  The batting (the inside of a quilt) is the people, the people who've had an impact on my life.  They keep my heart warm.  And there you have it, tah dah...my life as a quilt.